


We Could Use a Rouge

by WhiteFireDaydreams



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bilbofur - Freeform, Boffins - Freeform, Dungeons & Dragons 5th Edition, Dungeons & Dragons Campaign, Dungeons & Dragons References, Gandalf Knows All, M/M, Modern Era, Texting, because he's the DM
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-14
Updated: 2020-11-14
Packaged: 2021-03-09 18:07:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,386
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27550519
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WhiteFireDaydreams/pseuds/WhiteFireDaydreams
Summary: So, what if the characters of Tolkien's world were just people playing a DnD game on a Wednesday night?Aka Bofur kidnaps Bilbo and gets him to join them in Thorin's basement.I honestly didn't mean for this to be Boffins but apparently I can't avoid it when I write these two.
Relationships: Bilbo Baggins/Bofur
Comments: 15
Kudos: 22





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> So, someone asked for more Boffins and I'd already writen this so I hope you enjoy. I don't know where it's going and ngl I kind of intend for it to be a bit bitty. If you have any suggestions on how to mess up the encounters from The Hobbit in a DnD game chaos fashion, please tell me. I love going back and forth with you guys on ideas.
> 
> Anywho, we gotta start at Fresher's Week style fair. Enjoy :D

"Dungeons and Dragons?"

"It's an excellent way to make friends."

Bilbo felt very out of his depth. Most of the booths were for sports teams or clubs. He'd already gone around all the literary themed ones and he stood a little perplexed in front of the stall mainly full of dice and illustrated books.

"I'm not sure it's for me." Bilbo had honestly intended to walk away then but a man, who looked somewhere between handsome and ridiculous, joined the two men already behind the desk.

"Dinner is served." The man in the hat said with a dramatic flourish as he tossed 2 burritos at the very enthusiastic young boys. "Do we have a new player?"

"No, he isn't interested." Said the dirty blond as he and the younger boy began to devour the burritos.

Bilbo felt himself flush as the new man watched him carefully. He was a closer age to Bilbo, who was admittedly a mature student. This man was a bit scruffy but seemed to be pulling it off pretty well.

"You're a Prachette fan, then?" Bilbo blinked.

"How did you-"

"The Ankmorkpork badge." He said pointing and Bilbo rolled his eyes at himself. Of course he was wearing his pins. "Personally, I've always loved the witches. No one can beat the Nac Mac Feegles."

"I rather enjoyed the guardsmen storyline."

The two boys seemed amazed at how easily Bilbo had been lured into a rather in depth conversation, about which characters were the best.

"Have you read the last of the Tiffany Aching books?"

"I cried like a baby!"

Bilbo laughed and held his hand out to him. "I'm Bilbo, ridiculous I know."

Bofur grinned. "My God, that's a good name!" He shook his hand far too enthusiastically, inducing even more laughter. "I'm Bo."

"Nice to meet you."

"That isn't his real name." Bo josiled the younger of the two as much as he could for that comment, while they were separated by a third person.

"Fuck off Kili. It might as well be." Bo finally managed. He gave Bilbo an apologetic smile. "It's my character's name but it suits me far better. Everyone calls me it."

"Who would want to be called Bofur?" Kili laughed as Bofur shoved both boys this time.

"Sod off. I swear the rest of the group is a bit more mature than these idiots." Bofur was holding a leaflet and an odd looking form up to him.

Bilbo smiled and took the paper. "What is this?"

"A character a sheet, I can help ya with character creation if you'd like."

Bilbo watched Bofur come around his side of the table. Was he about to sign up to an extremely nerdy game because the man trying to sign him up for it was cute?

"We could use a rouge." Said the older blond.

"What about Nori?" Kili asked.

Bofur snorted. "Hardly counts when the only people he steals from is us."

"What's a rouge?"

"Generally they're thieves." Bofur then turned to a page in one of the books with an illustration of a graying but classically 'roguish' elf.

"I'm not sure I'd make a very good thief."

"They're very versatile, just nimble little buggers but you can learn magic or focus more on deceiving people. Whatever you like really."

Bilbo gave Bofur a look that said, "Do I look nimble to you?" But took the book and read over the character description. "I suppose.." Bilbo suddenly felt very out of his depth.

"Great! Now, what race do you want to be?"

"I, uh, I'm not sure."

"I think you look like a halfling myself."

"Join the short gang!" Fili called and two began laughing hysterically.

"I'm not that short." Bilbo grumbled.

"No, but pretty much our whole party consists of dwarves, a couple of humans but they don't play as often."

"Why should I play a halfling then? If you're all dwarves?"

"Halflings are designed better for if you want to be sneaky."

Bilbo nodded, as if he understood. "Alright."

"Great!" Bofur scribbled some things down on the odd form that now seemed to involve maths too. "Now, where do you want your sneaky little hobbit to come from?"

"I... are hobbits and halflings the same thing?" Bofur nodded. "Right.. I suppose he could come from a fairly well off family?"

"Hah, starting off with money. Uncle would approve."

"I mean if you can, why wouldn't you?" Bilbo watched Bofur scribble even more things down.

"I think I could finish this off for you if you wanted to join us for a game this week? We usually play on Wednesdays. Although not everyone always turns up so it can be a bit higgledy piggledy but it's usually a lot of fun and there are always enough people to play."

Bofur was smiling so hopefully.

".. Of course."

"Great! I'll give you my number and I'll let you know times, the address and ask you a few more things about your character." Bilbo watched as he realised Bofur had his phone and was adding himself to his contacts. Is this flirting? Did he just get Bofur's number or is this just a guy being really eager for him to join their club?

As Bilbo walked away he could hear the boys laughing and asking Bofur how he'd managed that. Bilbo wondered how he'd managed that too.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo's first session begins.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So I've been having fun with this while I try to make a fic thats very out of my comfort zone for The Hobbit The Gift Exchange
> 
> I havn't read over this very much, so if you stop anyything pls let me know and as always, enjoy!

He'd missed the next week's session and had spent most of his spare time when he wasn't working or reading, trying to wrap his head around how DnD acctually worked. You needed dice and far too many pluses and minuses to what you rolled, and you could sneak attack someone?

Arriving was somehow more daunting than all of it. He was stood texting Bofur outside posher apartments than he felt he should be outside.

Bilbo

Are you sure you gave me the right address?

Bofur

Yeah!  
Where are you?

Bilbo

Outside some well off flat  
Where are you?

Bofur

On my way  
is the knocker a grumpy looking dragon

Bilbo

..yes

Bofur

That's it  
I'll be there in 5

Reluctantly he gave the dragon a knock. It took a while before he could hear footsteps and a grumpy voice as the door was unlocked. "If you have a key, I don't know why you don't use it." Once Bilbo could acctually see the owner of the voice he was almost certain he'd knocked on the wrong grumpy dragon. He looked like a bloody model, shoulder length black hair and a button up shirt. This was not what the steriotypes had prepared him for. "Oh. Sorry, I thought you were Bofur.. or that you two were coming together."

"No, he, uh, said he's on his way."

The man nodded and let him in, leading him into the equally posh inside of the apartment.

"It's nice to meet you Bilbo, I'm Richard but they all just call me by my character's name by now. So you'll probably hear a lot of people yelling Thorin in a minute." Bilbo nodded, very sure he wasn't entirely sure what was going on. "Do you want something to drink before we go down?"

Bilbo nodded and followed into the kitchen feeling aware he had no idea if this was the sort of game you played while drunk or not..

"What would you like?"

Bilbo swallowed and answered more on instinct. "Tea, please."

That didn't seem to be the wrong answer however as Richard... or Thorin put the kettle on without a pause.

He heard the door open and saw Bofur and a large ginger man pass the kitchen. A moment later after the kitchen had fallen into an awkward silence, loud calls of "Whey!" came from downstairs.

"I think everyone is here today, we should go join them." Bilbo nodded and followed him down clutching his tea.

Downstairs was set up with an enourmous dining table with more than 10 people all sat around it. Once they entered their view Fili and Kili exploded into a chant of "Oaken-sheild! Oaken-sheild! Oaken-sheild!" That most of the others joined in, and joined in the laughter that started after 'Thorin' took a bow at the bottom of the stairs.

"Bilbo!" Bofur called and patted a seat next to him. Very greatfully he took the seat.

He was surprised by the age variation. Opposite him was a man he was almost certain was a lecturer on his course.

Bofur poped the finished character sheet in front of him. "Don't worry about it too much, I'll help you out when you need it."

"Thank you. Are there normally this many people here?"

"No, but Gandalf, our DM, said we're starting a new story today so everyone's made a special effort." He said with a wink.

"Really? I won't be interupting the story at all?"

"Of course not! Perfect time to start really, most of us are playing fairly new characters."

"Are you playing Bofur?"

"Oh aye! But I've not played him for a big session before."

Bilbo frowned. "I thought you'd played him for a while."

"Well, Gandalf does the big story lines and he's been on a break to get this new plot finished so Bofur's just been going on side quests, really."

"Right.."

Kili, sat down opposite Bofur, piped up. "The last campagin was ledgendry, I can't wait to play with Gandalf DMing."

"What happened last time?"

"Well," he said a bit conspiritorially, "They were defeated by a dragon, only 3 of the guy's characters survived: Balin," he pointed at the man that looked like a lecturer, "Dwalin," this man looked like a very intimidating punk rocker, "and Thorin Oakensheild." As he pointed at him the whole table now seemed to be listening to Kili's re-telling.

Fili jumped in, to Kili's annoyance, "So they're putting together a group to return to Erebor and reclaim it from the dragon!"

"And that's why we need a burglar!" Added Kili.

"And that," instantly everyone was watching the man in grey at the head of the table, sat behind a tiny screen, "is where our story begins."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The game begins with the party arriving in The Shire.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Again, apologies but I haven't betaed this properly yet BUT! It's here, I hope you enjoy :)

Gandalf smiled, "Are you sticking with the name Bofur chose for your character?" He looked down, checking something out of sight. "Bilbo Baggins?"

Bilbo looked at Bofur. "What? Its a great character name! It sounds like its straight out of a Prachette novel."

Bilbo sighed a little and nodded, "I'll stick with it, I suppose."

Gandalf nodded, "Well, then, we'll begin where we left off last session and we'll get to Bilbo Baggins in a minute."

"You've been informed that your best bet is to look in The Shire for a burglar with a sent a dragon will not recognise. It's summer and The Shire is a beautiful place of greenery; vegtable patches and flower gardens. The houses are dug into the rolling hills, and despite the jovial apperance of the hobbits you pass you can tell they aren't used to dwarves in these parts. What are you all doing as you enter Hobbiton?"

Dwalin spoke up first, "I'm going to go looking for the house."

Balin then nodded, "I'll go with him."

"Alright, I'll come back to you two later. Anybody else doing anything?"

"I think we ought to get some more supplies." Said a silver haired man Bilbo had yet to be introduved to.

"Absolutely! Nori's coming too but he's gunna be keeping an eye out for booze and anything valuble he can pocket."

"Oh booze sounds like a good idea, I'm in." Bofur and Nori exchanged grins. "You two coming?"

Two men, apparently called Bombur and Bifur were also coming on this shopping trip turned daydrinking theft, along with Ori, Fili and Kili. The youngest of the group. The two oldest members of the group said they were going to go looking for potion ingreedients. Which left just Thorin, who insisted he was going to get them some more ponies.

Gandalf dealt with Oin and Gloin first, who did a few rollings of dice and had a productive time from what Bilbo understood.

Then there came the rather conveluted shopping trip where Bilbo began to realise that Gandalf wasn't just the writer but he also played the roll of every shop keeper and angry pedestrian who ran into the rather unproductive group. Eventually, Fili and Kili got board of Nori and Bofur's anticks, so they went looking for this 'sign'.

Then Gandalf drew his attension to Dwalin and Balin, "Are you looking for Bilbo's house together?"

"We'll split up, cover more ground."

Gandalf nodded, "Roll investigation."

"Thats a 17." said Dwalin.

"11." Balin seemed less happy with this.

"Well then, Dwalin is the first to find the marked frount door of a Mr. Bilbo Baggins. Inside, there is a fire roaring and food has just been laid on the table. You have begun a lovely meal," Gandalf describled to Bilbo, "and you hear the bell at your frount door ring. What do you do?"

Bilbo looked at Bofur a bit bewhildered. "I suppose I answer the door."

"Dwalin, perhaps you'd liks to describe what he sees?"

"I'm a very rough looking dwarf, balding, but with a fine beard. As you open the door I bow. Dwalin, at your service."

Bofur seemed to be giving Bilbo no help. "Bilbo.. Baggings. At, yours."

"Is there any food? He said there would be, and lots of it."

Bilbo really did feel behwildered now. "I don't know what you're talking about.. I mean there is food but-"

"Good. Then lets eat!"

Bilbo found it easier to do the play-acting once Balin arrived. He just had to react as the two brothers went through his house calling what Gandalf assured him was very good cheese "riddled with mold" and tossing it on the floor.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finding Bag End is hard when you have -2 to persepsion.

Bilbo found it easier to do the play-acting once Balin arrived. He just had to react as the two brothers went through his house calling, what Gandalf assured him was very good cheese "riddled with mold" and tossing it on the floor.

Then Gandalf had the others roll to see who would find Bilbo's house next. Most seemed to be doing alright until everyone noticed the look on Thorin's face.

"That's a nat 1.. so -1." The whole table laughed nervously.

Gandalf croacked out a laught too, then said he'd get back to Thorin in a minute.

"How could he roll below 0?" He whispered yo Bofur.

"Oh, he's got -2 for perseption, so if he rolls below 3 he's really screwed." Bofur whisperes back and Bilbo tried to nod as if he understood. Bofur gave his hand a squeeze and then Bilbo got nudged hard in the side and Nori was telling them they'd all just arrived at Bilbo's house.

"Right, I um-" that was about as far as Bilbo got into his welcome before the chaos truely kicked off.

As it changed into a larger group Bilbo lost his footing agaim. He didn't know what was happening at all as everyone said what they were doing and talked over Gandalf inorder to talk in character.

Then Gandalf turned to Thorin and everyone watched intently.

"What did you roll?"

"I got a -1."

"Right. Well, you look all along Hobbiton and you can't see any mark on any door you walk pass. You go a significant way out of Hobbiton before you realise there are no other houses this far out and turn around. However, being so focused on all of the houses you're passing you miss a turning and again find yourself on the road you came in on so you turn around again. You make this jurney around the twon twice and then, finally you see a small rune marking on a round green door."

The men around the table all cheered.

"Well, it's safe to say I never would have found this place if it weren't for the mark on the door."

Again everyone laughed and if Bilbo was quite honest he felt entirely at sea. They began discussing a dragon again and a lonely mountain. It seemed as if he'd be ending the game then and there if he didn't sign the "contract" he was handed. Although from what Gandalf explained Bilbo was sure in real life he wouldn't have dreamt of signing it. Still saying he'd sign it earnt him a loud cheer.

Again he felt a little lost when Gandalf told them what the begining of their journey was like as the end of the night, but still it hadn't been a dull evening. Anything bus dull.

Bofur

Did you enjoy?

Bilbo

If I'm entirely honest I have no idea what was going on half the time

They were all really nice

I suppose I did enjoy

Bofur

Good, I promise it'll get less confusing

Bilbo

I suppose that's something

Otherwise it looks like I'll have to die before I'm able to leave

Bofur

Bold of you to assume getting out would be that easy

Oin would reserect you

Bilbo

If he can reserect people how did almost all of the party die??

Bofur

There are limits

Besides when a whole city is on fire and you only reserect your party seems kind of a dick move

Bilbo

Definatly a dick move.

I thought we weren't a party, aren't we a company?

Thats what the contract said

Bofur

One of us One of us One of us One of us One of us One of us One of us One of us One of us One of us One of us

Bilbo

This feels more and more like a nerdy cult every time we talk..


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo's first encounter with trolls.

"Bilbo! Come on in." Ori had opened the door for their second session. He liked Ori's company, they were in some of the same lectures with History and Archiology crossing over in quite a few ways. So, to Bilbo's dissmay after a lesson on Ancient Greese he's ended up talking to the younger man about Greek mythology and DnD.

"I'm fine, thank you, how are you doing?"

"Good, how did your essay on Greek archidecture go?" Ori asked as he led them inside.

"Good but the research was a nightmare."

Ori laughed. "It always is! Do you want tea?" Bilbo nodded and they went into the kitchen where Kili was sat on the counter.

"How's our newest company member doing?" Kili grinned.

"Very well, thank you." Bilbo felt a little bit out of place as Ori got 2 cups ready. "How are you?" He asked Kili as he wiggled his dangling legs.

"Good! I'm hoping we get to do some fighting this session. Surely, theres only so long Gandalf can describe the woods we're walking through."

"Don't underestimate him." Ori said as he poored out water for both their cups. "I think him and Thorin could write a novel that's entirely made up of descriptions of the landscape."

Kili snorted into the can he was drinking from. "Hah, God they could."

"Mahal." They all looked over at Thorin as he walked into the kitchen. "There'll be no blasphamy in this house." He said with a wink as he pulled some drinks from the fridge. "I think we're going to be starting soon."

"Okay." Came an out of sync reply from both Ori and Kili as Thorin headed out of the kitchen and down stairs.

They all grabbed their drinks as they followed. "Who's Mahal?"

"Dwarvish God." Kili replied.

"Ah." That was all Bilbo could think to say in reply.

They did in fact hear lots about the woodlands they were traveling through and then there were trolls. Bilbo's scouting and theivery attempt really hadn't gone all that well but Kili did get the fight he'd been hoping for. Until they were all tied up in sacks or being roasted on spits.

Most of the lads around the table were attempting to make elaberate escape plans when Bilbo heard Gandalf grumbling back and forth with himself, as the three trolls, mention being turned to stone. He hesitated but he decided to just give it ago.

He cleared his throat. "I, uh, hop to my feet in the bag and say-"

"What are you doing?" Hissed Gloin who had been 5 steps into an escape plan.

"I'm trying something."

Grandalf wore a very proud and knowing smile. "What do you say?"

"I say... You're not going to get very far like that. Have you smelled them? Your going to need something to season them with before you plate this lot up."

Everyone around the table seemed a bit sceptical. "Roll persuasion."

Bofur handed him a green plastic dice and pointed at what to add on for persuasion. He rolled a 12, "So, 14."

All eyes turned to Gandalf, who made a few rolls behind his screen. "Two of them seem a little skeptical but the troll who seems most invested in the cooking leans down towards you and asks: And how exactly would you say we should cook them then?"

"Well, you should... skin them first!"

"I've eaten pleanty of 'em with the skin on." Gandalf replied in an oddly comical voice. "He then picks up Bombur and goes to swallow him whole."

The entired table looked horrified.

"Not that one he has paracites!" Bilbo heard himself yell as everyone laughed, even Gandalf chuckled a little.

"Roll deception."

Bilbo picked up the same dice and rolled a 16 and Bofur laughed and pointed at a bit writen on his sheet saying +3. "So, that's a 19."

Gandalf laughed again, "The troll grimances and drops Bombur ontop of the others."

"How much damage do I do as I fall on top of them?" Bombur asked and the others sniggered.

"D10s worth of bludgeoning damage."

Bombur rolled a dice. "So thats 4 damage."

"God damn it Bombur, I only have 6 hit points left now." Kili complaines as he corrected something on his sheet.

Gandalf meanwhile had been doing some rolling while half the group took damage from the largest member of the group falling on top of them. Then he looked up at Bilbo. "The troll who you had previously convinced, now seems to be catching on. 'So, what would you have us do then? Let them go?"

"Huh, well.."

This is where Bilbo's plan went down hill. "Well, I sure aint going hungry, says the smallest troll and reaches for.. Nori." Nori glared at Gandalf. "He lifts him up as he did Bombur and is about to swallow him whole as the morning light makes its way over the edge of the horrison."

No one else seemed pleased as Gandalf paused for affect but Bilbo felt far happier than he out to. His plan worked, he had given then enought time.

"As the morning light hits the arm of the troll, you all watch as it hardens and grinds to a hault before he can drop Nori down his throat. The rest of his body and his two companions also with shuddering grimaces become enormus statues."

Bofur practically giggled next to Bilbo. "Does that mean Nori's still hanging middair in a statue's hand?"

Gandalf huffed out a laught. "I suppose it does."

"Oi! Get me down!" Nori yelled 9ver the table as an elaberate rescue plan was discussed, involving pickaxes and lots of rope.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Bilbo misses a session but there is no escape from the running comentary.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! Sorry for the wait, I've lost my writing inspo but this was so fun to write so I hope you enjoy it

Bofur

You're amazing

Bilbo

Thank you.

Are you alright?

Bofur

I'm great. I wish you had made it, it's hilarious. Thorin doesn't want to go to the elves

but we got so lost we're now being shown the way by them

he's so pissed

Bilbo

I bet that is funny

Bofur

How's the revision?

Bilbo

I want to gauge my eyes out.  
Its facinating but I just want to stop looking at this dry article

Bofur

Feckin hell

We're staying with the elves

Dwalin has started writing a to do list

Bilbo

I feel like thats out of character for him

Bofur

Fist on the list is arson

Bilbo

Oh Jesus

Are we going to have to fight elves and a dragons?

Bofur

This is fucking hilarious

[Picture]

Bilbo

That's a list and a half.

Bathe in the sacrid Elvish fountain?

Bofur

He's a man of taste.

Bilbo

I can tell.

Bofur

Gandalf wants to know if you wanted to do anything in Rivendell?

Bilbo

Ugh... I don't know

Bofur

Theres a very large library

Bilbo

Please tell me that isn't the arson you're planning on

but yes, Bilbo will definately be visiting the library.

Bofur

Cool

Ori's got some stuff for you

Bilbo

Okay?

Bofur

OhMyGOD

Bilbo

Bofur?

What happened?

Did the elves kill you guys?

????

Bofur you're worrying me

Bofur

[Bofur sent a video]

Bilbo hesitated as he saw the the thumbnail. He put the article he'd printed out to onr side and leaned back in his chair. Already smiling as he pressed play.

The audio was crowded and full of badly recorded laughter. Breaking throught the laughter came Bofur's voice.

"What did you do? Tell Bilbo what you did!"

The video was focused on a red faced Dwalin, bent double and shaking with laughter.

"I-" he coughed as Fili and Kili started laughing loudly in the background and he could hear both Dwalin and Bofur trying despirately not to join back in with the laughter. "I wrote 'Eat Shit' on the back of the thrown." He wheezed. Bilbo heard Thorin bark out a laugh before the video ended.

Bilbo felt himself grin and he starred out the window for a moment. He wished he was there with them. There was a warm tightness in his chest. He wanted to be there, even if they were idiots pretending to have writen rude things on an authority figure's posh chair.

Bilbo

You guys are idiots

Bofur

Can't talk

Can't breath

Bilbo smiled at his phone, he shouldn't miss him this much.

Bilbo

I wish I was with you guys

Bofur

I wish you were with us!

I miss you

Bilbo

I miss you too

Bilbo set his phone down and started again on the article. It took a while for him to lose focus and reach for his phone. He flipped it over and looked at the picture Bofur had sent him. It was of Gandalf with his head in his hands behind his DM screen and Dwalin and Thorin either sides of him grinning like idiots giving the camera thumbs up.


End file.
